Five Ways To Survive Home Improvement Woes

I sat across the table from Leo, my house painter, and in my best imitation of Joan Rivers, said, "Can we talk?" We had agreed that Leo would start at 8:30 A.M. each day. He estimated that the job would take ten days.

The first day I was up and ready for the exciting renovation. He arrived at 10 A.M. with the excuse that he always had to hang around the town's major paint store first thing in the morning to line up new jobs and pick up last minute supplies. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach but resolutely put it aside as he began to work. If only I had known then what else was in store for me!

Day two dawned bright and sunny and so was I. By twelve o'clock I had to leave for a dental appointment, and he wasn't there yet. When he showed up at one o'clock, the explanation was that they had run out of milk and Leo had to take his family out to breakfast. Then he met an old friend who had a business deal to discuss, and time simply flew by.

"Can we talk?" I repeated, as I struggled between laughter and tears. I am a psychotherapist and spend a lot of my time teaching people how to communicate clearly and assertively. Summoning up all my professional expertise I reminded myself that I could handle this and have an "adult" problem solving conversation with Leo.

We reviewed our original agreement about the job, the hours, and the special considerations that were necessary. Since I work at home, it was important that there be as little clutter as possible because people would be coming into the house almost every day.

In my innocence I imagined that the painter would do one room at a time since many of the rooms were to be painted different colors. I fantasized that there would be little disturbance to my business since the mess would be contained room-by-room or area-by-area. I agreed to shut down my business on the day he was going to paint my office, and generally do all I could to cooperate with his needs.

He started in the living room. All the furniture was gathered in the middle of the room with a tarp over it as he prepared and painted the walls. Even after the second coat had dried, the furniture stayed in the center of the room — until the last day. And the last day was MUCH later than the original ten-day estimate because: Leo had to go on a three-day vacation after the first week, and his assistant had quit. So it began!

Slowly and methodically the rooms were undone and not put back. Leo worked a little in each room. There never seemed to me to be a logical explanation for why he couldn't complete the peach colored living room before he went on to the Navajo white bedroom. The disarray of the rooms began to be reflected in the disarray of my feelings.

Even our pets were affected! Leo traveled everywhere with his dog. When his big black dog arrived, my cats disappeared. I was fearful that they had left home for good. When they returned each night after dark they were fearful and anxious. Who was this large enemy that invaded each day and would he ever go away? My own dog had a complete nervous breakdown because there was a stranger in her territory who was bigger than she was. Therefore, she couldn't leave the house because he was roaming near her doggie door.

One memorable day, Leo's wife called to demand that he take their five year old off her hands because she couldn't handle him. So, off went Leo in the middle of the day and returned with his son in tow. This became a regular event and my home became a child-care way station. Five year olds need to be entertained and supervised. Leo was like a juggler, painting, baby sitting, and trying to deal with his personal life. One day Sonny was playing ball on my lawn and broke my large living room window. Although Leo had it fixed, it certainly did nothing to brighten my day.

I began to moan and whine to my husband every evening. It wasn't fair that I had to stay in the mess each day while he escaped to his workplace. The job lagged on eternally. It began to take its toll on our marriage. We spent most of each weekend being angry about what was done poorly or what hadn't been done that should have been done. Both of us were exhausted trying to make order out of disorder. Slowly we sank into a state of helplessness, resentment, and despair. We were grumpy and disagreeable. A gray cloud hung over our relationship—like the gray drop cloths and tarps hanging over our furniture.

I think the worst day was when Leo removed all the doors in the house and didn't replace them. The sense of vulnerability and exposure was so overwhelming that I felt myself about to go off the emotional deep end. It was eerie. It was creepy. It was weird. There was no place to hide! Leo seemed oblivious to our discomfort as he went from unfinished room to unfinished room.

Eventually the job ended but my unhappiness didn't. I loved the way the colors looked, but I was still filled with anger and disappointment. I began to have severe gastric problems that forced me to see my doctor.

After my doctor examined me he asked me if I had recently gone through any unusually difficult experience? “This seems stress related. You know that often your feelings can impact your body" he reminded me. "Well, we just had our house painted," I said. Once those words were out, the flood of memories of those never-ending days of aggravation and unhappy surprises flooded my thoughts. I realized how much my painting nightmare had REALLY impacted both my body and my mind.

Not only did I have to take medication for my stomach, I also needed a few sessions of psychotherapy to help me get over the feelings of rage and helplessness I experienced while my home was being worked on. Finally, about six months later, as things began to seem normal again, Leo sent us a bill for supplies that he had forgotten to charge us for. I handed the bill to my husband. "Here we go again! But this time you can handle it," I said.

For many years I have treated people with depression or anxiety whose problems have reached such intensity that they have had to turn to psychotherapy and even medication for help. After they tell me what brought them to my office. I usually ask: When did your symptoms begin to worsen? What was going on in your life at that time that might be different or stressful?

A common reply is “I'm having my house remodeled” or “We’re redecorating.” Some are just painting or re-roofing, others may be having a kitchen or bathroom remodeled, or adding on a room. It doesn't seem to matter how large or small the change, there is a psychological reaction that is unexpected and often devastating.

During redecoration or remodeling many marriages fall apart, and divorce is the outcome. I have rarely seen a woman successfully overcome compulsive overeating during kitchen renovation. Addictive or compulsive behaviors worsen as homeowners seek to soothe emotional discomforts that they are totally unaware of.

It's time to have some painting done again. I cringe as I think of it. What will I do that is different? How can I live through it without getting sick? What have I learned from the past? Here are five strategies I intend to follow. So can you.

1. Check References: Leo came highly recommended by a friend. And he is certainly a great guy. But I didn't check out his work with others who had hired him. The next time I look for a workman I will ask:
Did he give a written estimate?
How long did he estimate the job would take to complete?
How long did it really take?
Did he show up when he promised and work all the hours agreed upon each day?
Was the customer pleased with the end result?
Would you hire him again?

2. Clarify Expectations: Don't think that you know how the job will be done because you've had it done before or you've done it yourself. Use the 5 Ws as a guideline~ who, what, where, when, why. Who will be doing what job? When can you expect certain things to be completed? Ask your worker to spell out the details for you. If necessary, write down each step. His or her procedures may be different from the way you would work. To this day I don't know why Leo didn't put my living room furniture back in place before day 25. Maybe there was a method to his madness, and if I had asked the WHY question he might have explained it to me or he might have replaced the furniture. Then I wouldn't have become upset by my frustration.

3. Ask Questions: Don't assume when you see something that upsets you that it will go away or be resolved in time. You hired this person and you have the power, although you may not think so. An easy and friendly way to handle this is to say, "Leo, there's something I want to check out with you." Then explain what is being done or not done that puzzles, angers, or disturbs you. Don't save up your grievances. It may give you a stomachache the way it did to me.

4. Solve Problems On the Spot: I have mentioned a few of the things that bothered me that I didn't mention to Leo: his dog, his baby sitting, and his tendency to remove doors and not put them back. As each annoyance built up, so did my anxiety and unhappiness. Leo was not to blame for my physical and emotional upheaval, I was. If I had expressed my wishes and needs more clearly and continued to be clear and firm, I would have been much more content. Don't be afraid to ask, "What do you need to do so this doesn't continue to happen?" If I had asked Leo this question on the first day when he came late, I might have saved a doctor's fee.

5. Take Care of Yourself: My biggest mistake was in thinking that having my house painted was not going to interfere in any way with my life or my business. Now I know better. The biggest surprise was how upsetting it was to me to have a stranger invading my space every day (with his strange dog and his radio that played music I don't like). I recommend these positive strategies to avoid stress and misery.

Be aware that it is stressful to have an outsider trudging in and out of your private space. Set up a support group of friends to talk to when you start to feel uptight.
Make sure that you have some place in the house where you can hide or be private. If necessary, next time, I will put large soft pillows in my bathtub, take my phone and a good mystery and lock the door.
Be extra nice to yourself. Pamper yourself with a massage, manicure or pedicure, lunch with friends, or go to a movie you're dying to see.
Go out to dinner more with your husband or special friend in lovely surroundings and don't talk about problems.

Whether you do the work yourself or hire others to remodel, redecorate, roof, paint, or rebuild, your life will definitely be chaotic in some way for a while. Using these strategies will prepare you to look back on the experience with a smile.