Do you have a friend or relative who doesn’t listen to your good advice? Every week I speak with at least one person like you. Perhaps you are in despair because of the way your neighbor treats her children or know without a doubt that your brother shouldn’t move away or your best friend should change her hairstyle.
Do you pride yourself on your taste, your smarts and your experience? Often the advice you want to give the unfortunate person is quite sound. You have confidence in your wisdom so why don’t they? It is extremely frustrating!
Many years ago as I was starting out as a psychotherapist, I read a wonderful autobiography written by a well-known and respected psychologist. He recounted that when he first opened his practice people would come for a few sessions and never come back. He couldn’t figure out why that was happening since he was well trained and felt confident about his abilities. He went to his mentor, another therapist who had many years of experience, and asked for help.
After he described what was happening, his wise advisor told him that he was indeed a good therapist. The trouble was that he was “picking Green Fruit.” The older counselor explained that although many people are troubled and suffering from problems such as depression, anxiety, trauma, or addiction, they simply were not ready to do anything about it.
People like your friends or relatives are not stupid. They just aren’t ready to hear your suggestions. As I was preparing to write this piece I remembered a time that I was “Green Fruit.” After a very unhappy nine year marriage, with the help of psychotherapy plus group support, I told myself that I deserved a better relationship with a more stable man and finally got a divorce. Soon after I began to date again I started a long-term relationship with someone I thought was great, (even if he didn’t have a job). I was in love!
Each of my friends called me to ask what in the world I was doing. Couldn’t I see that this new man was just like my ex? No, I couldn’t see what I was doing, and I didn’t know that I couldn’t see it. I remember that I even made a list comparing the traits of both men to prove to my friends that they were wrong. The relationship lasted two years during which I became more and more disheartened. It wasn’t until the end that I saw what I was doing and made a decision to do something about my tendency to pick men that were “birds with broken wings.” I woke up, resolved the issues that stood in my way, and found a grownup love relationship that has lasted for over thirty years.
Since that time I have become a psychotherapist and find that occasionally I too still attempt to pick “Green Fruit.” Some of the techniques I use such as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or the Phoenix Effect provide amazingly fast and permanent outcomes, yet some potential clients still shy away from the thought of experiencing rapid relief from their unhappy states and fall by the wayside. They are wedded to their problem and are reluctant to change.
I unintentionally tried to “pick green fruit” with one of the first people who came for help after I had learned EFT. A woman I will call Zoe was in a state of extreme post-traumatic distress after being mugged at gunpoint. I was able to help her calm down significantly after our first session. However, she called to cancel her next meeting explaining that she had seen a segment on Oprah that dealt with Post Traumatic Syndrome in which the expert explained that getting over it would take a very long time. Somehow that made sense to her, and she decided that she needed to suffer more.
No amount of explaining or offering scientific proof convinced Zoe to return. People like Zoe resist healing because a hidden part of them is afraid that getting over their problem will change their identity in some way. Perhaps they tell themselves that they don’t deserve to get over their problem or be happier. Whatever the rationalization, nothing will convince them. They are going to hang on to their distress with all their strength.
Can you remember any time in your life when people tried to give you advice and you resented it? When? What was it about? Did you eventually find out that they were right? Were you as blind as I was? Perhaps the person you are so angry with for not listening to you is in the same state of mind. The only way to deal with it is by accepting that the person you care about is “green fruit” that may or may not ripen.
You may decide to stop giving advice and just stand by and watch what happens. If you are extremely upset, you can use an EFT variation I call “Talking Out Loud to Yourself.” Tap your karate chop spot on the outside edge of your hand and say this three times: “Even though I am furious with my friend because he/she won’t do what I want him/her to do about this situation, I am doing the best I can to love and accept myself and my friend.” As you tap each EFT acupressure point, talk out loud to that person explaining what you see that upsets you and what you want the other to do or stop doing.
Gently tap for three seconds on the Eyebrow point near the nose, the point on the outside edge of the eye socket, under the lower eyelid, under the nose, under the lower lip, under the collarbone, and on the side of the body four inches below the armpit. Keep going around and around speaking your mind until you feel your anger leave and new ideas and positive emotions take over.
You will find that this method is very helpful when you feel infuriated or rejected by others who seem hell-bent on doing the wrong thing that might ruin their lives. Just take a breath and remind your self that you no longer pick ”Green Fruit.”
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