Procrastinators are usually hard working, well meaning people who are puzzled that no matter how many resolutions they make and how hard they try, they can’t seem to get the job done… on time. Let’s look at the secret thoughts that are buried below the surface of their conscious minds to sabotage their best efforts.
I don’t deserve to get over this problem. Greg’s stepfather resented him and showed it by calling him “Stupid.” After years of verbal abuse Greg thought he had developed a thick skin and wasn’t aware of the ways that his stepfather’s label was still affecting his life. Greg kept spoiling his chances for success at work and in love because there was a part of him that still believed he was dumb and undeserving.
God is punishing me. Some people put off finishing projects because they are afraid that they are bad or sinful. They fear the wrath of an angry God. Greta kept putting off going on a diet because she believed that binge eating was gluttony; gluttony was a sin; therefore she was a sinner and God’s punishment was for her to stay fat and miserable. If she were to go on a diet she might lose weight and, in her mind, that would go against God’s will.
If I get over this problem I won’t be safe. Fifty-year-old Tony was educated, held a responsible job and owned his own home, but he could not bring himself to pay his bills. For years his mother assisted him, and when she died his sister drove to town to help him out. When his sister passed away he was terrified since he had a fear of doing it wrong and didn’t know how to manage his checkbook.
In our work together Tony discovered that relying on his parental figures kept him a little boy. Only grownups have checkbooks. If he were to handle his checkbook responsibly it would mean he was an adult and didn’t need to be taken care of. As Tony came to terms with the fear of not being loved and nurtured that made him need to act like a child, he was able to take over his life and his bills.
I’m not sure I want to get over this problem. Many years ago when I was still in the throes of severe perfectionism I lived near an adult education center that offered all sorts of interesting classes for a small fee. I was attracted to many of the self-help programs and didn’t hesitate to attend them. However, there was one class about working with clay that I wanted to try but couldn’t bring myself to sign up for. Each semester I thought about it but put it off once more. I was afraid of being judged a lousy artist and being embarrassed in front of the others. In order to keep that from happening I had to keep procrastinating. It was comforting.
I finally got over my fear and took the class. It was lots of fun and I was able to laugh at myself when I looked at my clunky bread basket. Once I could accept myself as much less than a perfect artist I took a class in making bead necklaces and discovered that I had some talent when it came to color and design. I was even able to sell my creations with pride.
If I get over this problem I will lose my identity. My friend Eileen’s life seemed filled with one ordeal after another. It was more exciting than most soap operas. Once when things seemed to be calm for a change she became quite anxious. I asked her why she couldn’t enjoy the peace in her life, and I will never forget what she answered. “What’s wrong; nothing’s wrong; that’s what’s wrong!” Life was supposed to be a struggle, and she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. If she stopped procrastinating and completed things she might find herself leading a less stressful life. The idea really scared her. She was a drama queen who unconsciously needed to keep the status quo, although she couldn’t see it,
If I get over this problem it will be bad for someone else. Paul, a man in his late forties, couldn’t keep his head above water financially. Most of his life he had avoided taking responsibility for his actions. His wife divorced him, and he lost many jobs. His elderly mother usually ran to the rescue and bailed him out by loaning him money to pay his bills. She was a widow. He was her only child, all she had in the world. Paul kept these patterns alive because on an unconscious level he was afraid that he would hurt her if he became totally self-sufficient since she needed to be needed.
I have observed that there is a reason why we act the way we do. Even procrastination makes sense if we discover the hidden thought or belief upon which we base our behavior. What hidden “Stopper” is keeping you from reaching your goal?
