A rendetlen íróasztal, garázs és kartotékos szekrény nem csupán annyi, amennyit a felszín mutat. A betegesen halogató ember sokszor megszállottan arra koncentrál, hogy a fizikai környezetét rendberakja, de valójában nem a rendetlen fiók az igazi probléma; az csak egy sokkal mélyebb ügy felszíni megnyilvánulása. A hosszú évek során, amióta ezzel a témakörrel foglalkozom, hányszor derült ki a hol szomorú, hol ijesztő valódi ok, ami a halogatás mögött meghúzódott!

Dorisnak annyira elege volt már az állandóan rendetlen íroasztalából, hogy végül is hozzám fordult segítségért. Akárhányszor határozta el, és tett komoly ígéretet magának, hogy most végre felszámolja a szörnyű rendetlenséget, valami mindig közbejött. Mindig fontosabb, sürgősebb tennivalók tolakodtak előtérbe. Doris szájából csak úgy dőltek a panasz szavak:

- “Pedig nem is olyan nagy az íróasztalom. Ha nekiállnék, néhány óra elég lenne ahhoz, hogy tökéletes rendet teremtsek. Miért nem vagyok akkor képes rá?”

Hogy feltárjuk a valódi blokkokat, Doris-szal a “Mitől félsz, mi történne, ha…? “ játékot játszottam. Megkérdeztem tőle:

- “Mitől félsz, mi történne, ha tökéletes rendet teremtenél az íróasztalodon?”
-“Jobban érezném magam.” – válaszolta.
Első lépésként általában ez az, amit a halogatók mondanak. Így tovább folytattam a kérdezősködést.
-“És aztán? Mitől félsz, mi történne azután?”
-“Aztán nekiállhatok a könyvespolcnak, és azt is rendberakhatom”.
- “És aztán? Mitől félsz, mi fog történni aztán?”
Újra és újra feltettem ezt a kérdést, és ezzel arra kényszerítettem Doris-t, hogy egyre mélyebbre ásson le, míg végül előbukkant a valódi ok:
-“Ha rendbehozom az íróasztalomat, akkor rendbe kell raknom az életemet is – és ez azt jelentené, hogy el kell válnom a férjemtől!”– kiáltott fel.

De hogy jön ez ide? Mi köze a rendetlen íróasztalnak a váláshoz? A jelenség mögött meghúzódó gondolatmenetet én úgy hívom, hogy a “kéz kezet mos politikája”. Ugyanis a politikai életben látjuk azt gyakran, hogy a politikusok “kéz kezet mos” alapon egymást szavazataikkal, befolyásukkal támogatják oly módon, hogy ez valamennyiüknek hasznot hajt. Például, ha az egyik tagállam szenátorának egy – mondjuk a közlekedést szabályozó új – törvénytervezetéhez több szavazatra van szüksége, akkor kapcsolatba lép egy másik tagállam szenátorával, aki esetleg egy új mezőgazdasági törvényt szeretne megszavaztatni. A két tervezetet egy törvényjavaslattá gyúrják össze, és a kettőt együtt szavaztatják meg, bár a két területnek semmi köze sincs egymáshoz – de így már elegendő szavazatot össze tudnak hozni – tehát “kéz kezet mos”.

Amikor a halogató tudatalatti szinten két teljesen eltérő problémát asszociál egymással, teljesen lebénul, és egyiket sem tudja megoldani.

Jessica állandóan amiatt panaszkodott, hogy képtelen rátalálni ideális társára, és emiatt teljesen elkeseredett, depresszióssá vált. Öt évvel korábban elvált, a volt férje azóta új párra talált, már meg is nűsült azóta, Jessica pedig még addig sem jutott el, hogy kihajítsa a volt férj ruháit a szekrényből.

Tudatosan az volt minden vágya, hogy megszabaduljon a ruháktól, rendet teremtsen a szekrényben, de valójában – mint a kezelések során kiderült – tudat alatt még mindig visszavárta a férjét, és ezt a lehetőséget szimbolikusan azzal tartotta nyitva, hogy a szekrényben még mindig őrizgette a volt férj ruháit.

Amint felismerte, hogy a szekrénynek semmi köze ahhoz, hogy ő még mindig a tönkrement házasságát gyászolja, képes volt kidobni a régi ruhákat, és rendet teremteni a szekrényben.

Ted az egész házát felújította. A pincétől a padlásig mindenhová új berendezés került. Csak az utolsó simítások hiányoztak még – néhány fogantyú a konyhabútorra – de erre az utolsó lépésre sehogysem tudta rászánni magát. Amikor megdolgoztam az “És mitől félsz, mi lesz, ha..?” kérdésekkel, lépésről lépésre tárult fel az igazi ok.

-“Ha teljesen befejezem a házat, akkor többé nincs kifogásom, és meg kell hívnom néhány ismerőst a házba. Akkor újra társasági életet kell élnem..”
- “És aztán? Mitől félsz, mi fog történni?” – folytattam tovább a faggatást.
- “Akkor újra meg kell nősülnöm!”
Elképesztő, mennyire irracionális ez a fajta gondolkozás – időnként mégis szinte valamennyien beleesünk ebbe a fajta csapdába.

Egy jó módja annak, hogy kimásszunk az effajta gödörből az, ha az “És mitől félsz, mi lesz, ha..?”..játékot játszod. Ezt megteheted akár egyedül, akár egy jó barát segítségével.

Vonulj el egy nyugodt sarokba, ahol senki sem zavar. Kérdezd meg magadtól:
“Mitől félek, mi fog történni, ha befejezem ezt a projektet, ha elérem a célomat?”

Írd le, vagy hangosan mond ki mindazt, ami felmerül benned. Ne ítélkezz, ne kritizálj most. Tedd fel a kérdést újra és újra, és mindig használd a “félelem” szót – hiszen mindez erről szól!

Maradj a folyamattal, ne hagyd abba a kérdésfeltevést egészen addig, míg el nem fogynak a könnyű, kézenfekvő válaszok: az olyan felszínes válaszok, mint “akkor boldog leszek”, vagy “akkor egészséges leszek”.

Előbb-utóbb kibújik a szög a zsákból, és feljön az igazi ok. És ennek (lehet, hogy) semmi köze sincs a projekthez, amit képtelen vagy befejezni. Épp ez a bibi a dologban.

Az íróasztalnak – általában – nem sok köze van a házassághoz, és a konyhának – többnyire – semmi köze ahhoz, hogy képes vagyok-e újra elkötelezni magam. És mégis rengeteg köze van hozzá! ”Kéz kezet mos”.

Continuing Education Units for MFTs and LCSWs in California

Learning EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) changed my life personally and professionally as a Marriage and Family Therapist. As a result, I have used it with thousands of people in counseling and classes. I have also written a number of books that teach you how to learn EFT and how to apply it to treat specific negative and self-defeating behaviors.

As a Continuing Education Provider I am now able to bring this information to you in the form of books, eBooks, audio books, audio classes, Mp3s, CDs and DVDs. You will now be able to read, listen to or view the information at your own pace and earn CE Units as you do.
You can choose from the following:

EFT FROM A TO Z is a 10 hour CD audio class in which you will learn this simple but powerful energy meridian method and become skilled at using it in your practice when treating stress, anxiety, fear, phobias, addictive cravings, traumatic memories, PTSD, self defeating behaviors, negative beliefs and more. In addition you will receive a free one-hour consult with me by phone or Skype.

The award winning FIVE SIMPLE STEPS TO EMOTIONAL HEALING: THE LAST SELF HELP BOOK YOU WILL EVER NEED, is a basic EFT primer that takes you through the steps of learning the meridian tapping technique in a clear and easy way. Specific protocols for treating many common emotional problems are included as well as examples from cases.

DESSERTS IS STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS and HOW TO STOP PLAYING THE WEIGHTING GAME deal with overcoming compulsive overeating and bulimia. I have specialized in treating eating disorders for thirty years and provide a unique and different approach to help clients become empowered to change their behavior.

BORN TO SPEND provides a powerful EFT approach for controlling compulsive spending and debting. Shopaholics and overspenders often lives of quiet desperation. This compulsive habit has led many to embezzle, steal and go bankrupt. This book offers insight into this devastating behavior and can benefit both the spender and the family or friends who are also affected.

The information in EFT FOR PROCRASTINATION makes clear that putting things off is not just a bad habit but also a way of avoiding fear that can result in misery and failure. This EFT program gets to the heart of the problem once and for all.

GROWNUP LOVE: GETTING IT AND KEEPING IT is a workbook for people who want to attract a healthy relationship or improve the one they are in. It also includes ways to use The Phoenix Effect Process to resolve the long term issues that erode loving feelings.

CHOOSE FROM THIS LIBRARY OF OPTIONS

BOOKS
Born To Spend (book) 5 CE Units
Desserts Is Stressed Spelled Backwards (book) 6 CE Units
EFT For Procrastination (book) 5 CE Units
Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing (book) 7 CE Units

EBOOKS
Born to Spend (eBook) 5 CE Units
Desserts Is Stressed Spelled Backwards (eBook) 6 CE Units
How to Stop Playing the Weighting Game (eBook) 2 CE Units
Grownup Love: Getting It and Keeping It (eBook) 2 CE Units

CD AND Mp3 VERSIONS
Born To Spend (CD) 7 CE Units
EFT From A to Z (CDs) 10 CE Units
How to Stop Playing the Weighting Game (CD) 4 CE Units
The Phoenix Effect Process CD or Mp3 4 CE Units

Although we are still in the midst of the holiday season, perhaps you are already thinking ahead to your New Year’s Resolutions. Do you want to lose weight, stop procrastinating, say no to post holiday sales that max out your credit cards, or give up any other bad habit?

If you get a Kindle or Nook for Christmas or Hanukkah you can try it out by purchasing one of my how-to books that are now available on digital readers. My latest, Grownup Love: Getting It and Keeping It, is now on Kindle as is Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing. If you have a Nook, you can also find How to Stop Playing the Weighting Game, Desserts Is Stressed Spelled Backwards, EFT for Procrastination, and Born to Spend (although you might want to read this before you do any more shopping).

I just received a copy of the beautiful book, Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories for Handling the Holidays After Loss. Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley have compiled essays from many people who write about how they have dealt with losing loved ones. I am proud to have my story included. You may know someone who would love to have this as a gift.

My goal for 2012 is to continue to learn and to teach about Energy Psychology. I will have that opportunity on January 21, 2012 when I offer a full day’s training in the Phoenix Effect Process in Santa Barbara for the Santa Barbara City College Adult Education program. This is open to everyone. In April 2012 I will teach another one day class based on Grownup Love at the same locale.

Plan ahead and meet me at the June ACEP Energy Psychology conference in gorgeous San Diego CA.
Meanwhile, I wish you a happy and healthy Holiday and New Year.

I am thrilled to share that my latest Ebook, Grownup Love: Getting It and Keeping It, is now officially available on Kindle! I think that this book is one that will appeal to both men and women, single, in a relationship, or married. Everyone wants love and happiness.

There are two things about my book that makes it unique. First, it is an interactive workbook in which I offer you opportunities to eliminate once and for all the negative emotions you may still have about your past unhappy relationship experiences or negative beliefs you have about love and commitment. In the Appendices at the end of the book are instructions about how to use EFT and the Phoenix Effect Process to actually change on an energy level. In each chapter I suggest specific ideas, experiences etc to tap about or transform with PEP.

Second, since knowledge is power, I have written about a topic that is vital for all lovers or would-be partners to be educated about. That subject is emotional dysfunctions. Frequently, when we fall in love we see the beloved through rose colored glasses and discount their faults. Most readers will already know about the challenges involved when you are in a love relationship with a drug addict or alcoholic. Thank goodness we have Twelve Step programs for you such as AA or Al Anon. In Grownup Love you will find advice about how to relate to compulsive overeaters and shopaholics too.

I have never found that authors of books about relationship and love point out that the majority of readers are unaware of the problems and frustrations they will face if they fall in love with someone who suffers from major emotional illnesses such as Depression, Bi-polar disorder, Borderline personality disorder or Narcissism. Unless readers know that lovers who are amazingly charming but lie, cheat and steal yet keep convincing you that they will change (but never do) are called Sociopaths. Sociopaths actually have brains that are lacking the ability to feel empathy. Grownup Love offers more information about how to recognize the symptoms that will enable you to understand the person that you love who may have one of these problems.

Happy Holiday and Happy Reading!

These past few weeks I have been invited to get my word out through various media opportunities. Most of you were busy preparing for Thanksgiving so you most likely missed my appearance on Christopher McAuliffe’s radio show, The Coaching Show. I had a great time sharing about “How to Listen Wisely.” I shared how coaches, therapists or lay people can listen for common errors of thought that lead us to negative states. If you are an All or Nothing person, you limit your life since everything is either black or white or right or wrong. Mind Reading, where you are sure that you know what your spouse, boss, or friend is thinking, and you react without checking it out are just two mindsets that will lead to trouble in life or love.

It’s not too late to listen to the rest. Search iTunes Store for “The Coaching Show” at wsradio. Or go to www.wsradio.com/internet-talk-radio.cfm/shows/The-Coachinng-Show.html

Next week I am guesting on Dr. Henry Grayson’s radio show Mindful Living on the Progressive Radio Network. I look forward to sharing about my latest Ebook, Grownup Love: Getting It and Keeping It.

I am delighted by the wonderful response I am getting to this book.

Herbert L. Gravitz, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist said:
From the opening paragraph in Gloria Arenson’s new book Grownup Love: Getting It and Keeping It, to the last, Gloria Arenson weaves a story about love, how to get it, how to avoid the natural traps we fall into, and host of other important questions and topics that individuals and couples face. Most importantly, Ms. Arenson gives her readers tools to deal with all of the above and so many more issues. The ways, ranging from “the tapping cure,” EFT, and the Phoenix Effect Process, among others, are what she has been learning and teaching for decades.

In her delightful, yet wise way, she invites her readers to come with her and celebrate not just love, but life itself. This book is not a passive read but a book of action, leading readers to lives they want. Through thought-provoking exercises the reader is urged to do, she invites her readers to unravel their questions, like what is love or how to deal with a broken heart, and guides her readers “to clear the wreckage” of their lives. The book is also useful for those who are doing well, but want to do better in their relationships.

Engaging and very interactive with her reader, Gloria Arenson’s latest book, Grown Up Love, goes along with her tradition of showing her readers not just what but how to accomplish their goals.
Her book is a treat to read.

Wendy Anne McCarty, PhD, RN, DCEP and Author of Welcoming Consciousness wrote:
Grownup Love is an effective guide to help you examine your relationship patterns and transform them. Each chapter focuses on a specific topic to explore and teaches you how to use two powerful energy techniques to rapidly resolve, release, and heal unhealthy or constrictive patterns that you discover. You can use Grownup Love as your own self-guided relationship-healing workbook; or, use it in your healing work with your therapist or life coach. I think Grownup Love is terrific–straightforward, great stories, and clear directions to help you move into positive action and live the relationship.

In addition to being a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I am also a Wedding Minister. Therefore, I see couples on their happiest day as well as times when relationships deteriorate and the once happy couple has lost their loving feeling.

In my new Ebook, Grownup Love: Getting It and Keeping It, one of my goals is to share that love is not just for the young. That belief was brought to my attention last week when I had the privilege of performing a wedding for a couple of seventy-year olds. The day was gorgeous with beautiful blue skies and puffy white clouds. The bride and groom were blissfully happy as they exchanged vows and rings.

As these two Senior Citizens looked at each other with eyes of love, I realized that you are never too old to feel romantic love. Although we may age and develop wrinkles and gray hair, inside we remain as young as when we were teenagers.

Many people think that as we get older we are incapable of feeling romantic, and that sexual feelings also atrophy. Plenty of younger folks have problems with desire and performance too. Since I have started using the Phoenix Effect Process with my clients I have helped a number of people well over sixty rediscover their sexual desire and rekindle what might have been a dying flame in their sex life.

An unsatisfying sex life is usually a result of negative beliefs about oneself and lack of information about sex and our bodies. Readily available porn on the internet and magazines that tell us that we must have hot bodies and continue to look young no matter how old we are, have even led women to have plastic surgery to revitalize an aging vagina!

Take stock of yourself and your life and pay attention to all the ways you have convinced yourself that you are unattractive, have no sexual desire, are too old or too wrinkled to have orgasms and take heart. You can re-awaken romance and desire, no matter your age.

Let the buyer beware is a saying that is as old as time. It originated in ancient Rome but is as relevant today as it was a few thousand years ago. In society nowadays we are bombarded by commercials and come-ons to buy goods and services through the media and digitally on our computers. How does this apply to EFT as more and more people practice it?

A few days ago I received a call from someone who has been suffering with a severe eating disorder for many years. She told me that in the past she had even tried many kinds of treatments and was now looking into meridian tapping. She has had sessions with a few practitioners who are quite well known in the tapping therapy world but was on the verge of giving up since nothing had worked. When I heard their names I realized that it wasn’t their skill in tapping that was at fault, it was their lack of expertise about eating disorders. If you have a sprained wrist or digestive problem you will most likely go to a doctor who is a General Practitioner. But if you have diabetes or cancer you will seek a specialist.

I have been in practice as a licensed psychotherapist for 30 years specializing in treating compulsive disorders, especially overeating and bulimia. I am knowledgeable in ways that the general EFT practitioner is not, relating to the biology of cravings and how these clients think, how they feel and how they behave. My book, Desserts Is Stressed Spelled Backwards, is based on my work with hundreds of clients. In it I offer a complete plan to help sufferers of compulsive overeating and bulimia use EFT to help themselves.

EFT is spreading all over the world. That is fantastic. However, there are also many diverse groups offering certification in EFT that almost anyone can get whether they are licensed health or mental health professionals or not. I am writing this because of my concern that although some of these people who are advertising themselves as Practitioners in your city are experienced healers others may be just EFT enthusiasts who have taken a few trainings.

If you are a professional I am assuming that you will not use EFT to treat those whose problems are beyond your scope of practice. If you are learning EFT in order to become an EFT Practitioner or Coach, and intend to charge people for your services, please make sure that you know your own limits. Do no harm. If in doubt, refer potential clients to someone with experience who is more skillful. Don’t tell people that you can help them because our motto is Try It On Everything.

If you are a potential client who is interested in finding an EFT practitioner to aid you in resolving a problem make sure to ask what kind of background the practitioner has, the level of his or her training, and the amount of knowledge and experience they have in treating your particular problem.

Please remember that it is your responsibility to get the best for yourself. As the Romans would remind you: Caveat Emptor; Let the buyer beware!

It is only a few more days and I am off to the amazing Energy Psychology Conference in Toronto Canada. Flying from very sunny California to the brisk Fall climate of Toronto always reminds me of my youth in NYC. I look forward to the chill air and being able to wear a parka.

Friends from all over the world will be there to share their expertise and creativity. I am delighted to be presenting a workshop about using Energy Psychology methods to treat Compulsive Spending and Debting. Unfortunately the medical and psychological community treat this addiction as if it were a joke, but we are a nation of spenders. We are spurred on by commercials and credit card companies to go out and spend. Even past President George Bush urged us to medicate the pain of the 9/11 trauma by shopping!!

I am going to explain that a stressed brain is a craving brain. We are all familiar with cravings for alcohol, drugs, food, and more recently computers, texting and Internet porn. It is time to realize that compulsive spending also wrecks lives. Spending addicts lie, cheat and steal to keep their addiction going. When I was researching my book, Born To Spend, I interviewed a woman who had embezzled money to pay for her spending habit and was going to prison the next day. I can vouch for the seriousness of this out of control urge to splurge since my own marriage to a compulsive spender led to bankruptcy and divorce.

If you can’t attend my talk you may want to read the book or listen to the audio version. Speaking of books, I promise that once I am back I will be launching my latest Ebook, Grownup Love: Getting It and Keeping It.

Keep tuned.

I have been pretty busy putting the finishing touches on my latest eBook called Grownup Love, which will be out any minute. That is why I forgot to send out the word about the upcoming FREE Pain Relief Summit. I just noticed that it starts on Monday Oct. 3 and lasts for 6 days. Every day 2 outstanding EFT practitioners will be teaching us how to deal with pain.

I have suffered from occasional debilitating bouts of sciatica for many years and have often been laid low in tears. In all that time I have never found a medication that could dull that kind of pain. A few years ago I was at an Energy Psychology conference where I was in so much pain that I could barely walk. Lo and behold, one of the presenters was a specialist in Korean Hand acupressure and graciously treated me successfully. He showed me which points to stimulate so now I know how to use acupressure to treat myself at the first sign of back pain.

Even so, I am looking forward to watching the Pain Summit since I know that I am going to learn a lot of new things about other ways to tap for pain that will definitely come in handy for both my back and the arthritis in my knees. If you suffer from chronic pain problems, sign up and watch the masters. What have you got to lose?

Here’s a short video that will give you some information and show you how to register.

http://thetappingsolution.com/cmd.php?Clk=4479833

Here is an excerpt from my forthcoming eBook, Grownup Love: How to Create it and Keep it.

As a Marriage and Family therapist I do my best to stay informed about the latest findings in my field. Therefore, a number of years ago, I attended a class at a local university called “Quarreling.” Apparently the Sociology department had done a number of studies in which they examined and videoed couples as they quarreled.

Their most amazing discovery was that every committed couple fights the same three or four fights during the duration of the relationship. Whether it lasts a few months or many years, the couple comes back over and over to their disagreement about the same things. And they rarely resolve them! Unfortunately, that class did not offer solutions, but I continued to apply this information in my work with couples.

I pondered these findings and realized that this premise held true in my own marriage and in the relationships of couples I have counseled over the years. At times the smallest thing can set you or your loved one off, and it turns into a violent war where you each react to the other in ways that you realize later were out of proportion to the situation. Yet you keep doing this repeatedly.

Scientific studies of the brain now allow us to understand what creates these reactions. Why do well-meaning couples keep triggering each other over the same topics? Trauma specialist, Robert Scaer, MD has explained it very simply. He maintains that the primitive part of the brain has only one goal, not to die! The brain is constructed to keep us alive at all costs. Therefore, when your partner is acting his or her “craziest” it is because there is a part of them that feels threatened and doesn’t want to die. They feel as if something you are doing or not doing is threatening them with death. This behavior that drives your beloved crazy is a pattern of response to danger that they have developed.

This is true of all of us. The good news is that we now have methods like the Phoenix Effect Process that can enable us to heal the old wounds that keep reopening when we keep fighting the same fights year after year. You don’t have to be a psychotherapist to use it. Couples can help each other to rapidly defuse negative emotions and beliefs that tear relationships apart.

I recall an incident a few years ago when my husband went into a moment of “craziness” over something that seemed very unimportant to me. He became furious and no amount of reasoning with him helped until I suggested using the Phoenix Effect Process.

He told me that the emotion that was triggered was betrayal. He used this simple focused imagery method for less than five minutes and became completely peaceful as the emotion disappeared without a trace. Later, he shared that as the feeling of betrayal disappeared, he got in touch with memories of loss of trust and loving connection with his unloving and critical mother. I was simply her stand-in.

The Phoenix Effect Process offers the possibility of new life to individuals in unhappy relationships as well as couples just starting to build a loving relationship that they want to last.