One of words we sprinkle our communications with that drive me up the wall is “hurt.” “How could you hurt your mother like this?” “I was hurt when she didn’t remember my birthday.” Or “You hurt me!” Most hurt feelings come from our expectations of others, what they should do or not do, say or refrain from saying. Hurt feelings are a result of magical thinking. Nowhere in the constitution or the law is it written that we must read another‘s mind and commit ourselves to carrying out all their wishes despite our own needs.
Eleanor Roosevelt told us that no one could hurt us without our permission, but we still persist in believing that we are at each other’s mercy when it comes to hurt feelings. We hold others to blame for those feelings, often punishing someone who has no idea what they have done to merit our anger or coldness.
Melanie often sits home and sulks because her husband has committed some hurtful act that Melanie has declared hostile or inconsiderate, yet her husband has no clue why she is in a bad mood when he comes home because Melanie is a grudge holder. She allows her resentment to fester until it becomes a bleeding wound. Then she feels justified in starting an argument or not wanting to have sex with him. Some spouses save up enough hurt feelings to convince themselves to have an affair or get a divorce.
A classic example of grudge holding took place when I was about two and my mother and I were walking along a busy street in our neighborhood. We saw my grandmother, my father’s mother, coming toward us. As we neared she crossed the street in order to avoid us. My mother never knew why she did that, only that it was done deliberately. My mother neither saw nor spoke to my grandmother for 20 years afterward and never found out why my grandmother took offense. Fortunately, in this case, my mother was secretly delighted since she didn’t particularly care for her mother-in-law.
When I was a child I was taught this rhyme, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” I think that is still true. I often tell my clients that no one can hurt them unless they have a knife, gun or other weapon of mass destruction. Even nasty words said in the heat of anger can’t hurt us unless we let them in. When your best friend says something that “hurts your feelings” you get upset, but if Osama Bin Laden said the same thing you would shrug it off. You are the one who decides what is distressing and what is not.
I have decided to go on a one-woman campaign to eliminate the phrase, “You hurt me.” I am tired of hearing it, and tired of challenging the concept. The other day I had an inspiration. Let’s substitute the word HARM or INJURE for HURT and see if it helps shed light on the situation. Instead of saying, “How could you hurt your mother like this?” say, “How could your harm your mother like this?” Was mother really harmed when you didn’t visit her? Rather than “I was hurt when she didn’t remember my birthday,” say “I was injured when she didn’t remember my birthday.” What did the injury look like? How would you feel if your spouse or best friend said, “You harmed me just now when you…?” It isn’t true, is it?
Playing the Hurt Game makes us victims of emotional blackmail. We are held hostage because someone else has the power to make us feel guilty or ashamed. Jenny, a newlywed bride, discovered that her mother-in-law’s birthday was on Christmas Eve day. Jenny came from a large and loving family that celebrated the holiday on Christmas Eve with a wonderful party. Jenny was concerned that if she went to her family on Dec. 24th she would hurt her mother-in-law’s feelings, and if she celebrated with her mother-in-law on her birthday she would hurt her own mother’s feelings. Jenny was trying to read everyone’s mind and foresee how they would feel. That is impossible.
The key here is to examine our intent. Jenny did not want to hurt anyone. Her intention was to share happiness and love with family members. The problem was that both families had different plans. She realized that no matter what she chose to do, one or the other could take offense. When Jenny decided to honor her own intention and let her mother and mother-in-law take responsibility for their reactions, she was free of guilt. Since she knew that no harm was meant.
Isn’t it interesting that so many of us have been brain washed to think that we have no power over words?
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