Remember the best seller that explained that women are from Venus and men are from Mars? Well, differences in how we think and act are not just divided according to the sexes. Each of us is born with certain characteristics that will be ours for life. For instance, eye color doesn’t change. And once we achieve our full height that is that, no matter what.
We are born with other qualities that determine how we walk through life. We call this our disposition or temperament. These traits don’t alter. For instance, I am extroverted. I like to be in front of a class or audience. Others who are more introverted would rather die than speak in public. I can’t imagine that I could ever transform myself into an introvert; no matter how hard I try. At the same time introverts can’t imagine themselves being more outgoing in a crowd.
Another set of attributes that often cause difficulties in relationships have to do with whether a person is Goal-oriented or Process-oriented. Goal-oriented people have their eyes on the target and do what is necessary to get there. Process-oriented people are prone to smell the roses along the way. They are more interested in the journey than the conclusion. When a Process-oriented person is in a relationship with a Goal-oriented person, the fireworks can fly.
I am a Goal-oriented person married to a Process-oriented person. This challenge has helped me to be extremely aware of the origin of some of the problems that couples bring to counseling. One partner usually complains, “If only she would… things would be fine.” What this really means is, “If only my partner could be just like me….”
One of the greatest tests in relationships is how to accept the one you love if they have a different temperament from you, (don’t think like you, view the world like you, and certainly don’t act like you). Because I am Goal-oriented I make sure that everything we need is taken care of before a trip. I purchase the tickets, reserve hotel rooms, hire the pet sitter, and make a list of what to pack. I am so organized that I keep a master list on my computer.
One November we went on a trip from sunny California to cold Canada. I was completely packed the night before since we were making a 6:30 AM flight. My husband threw some clothes into a suitcase just before we went out the door. Imagine his surprise when we arrived and he had not taken his winter jacket! He didn’t have a jacket, but he had a maps of the Toronto transportation system and places of interest.
Is this procrastination or is it his temperament? His need to understand how things work (process) leads him to take things apart and spend countless hours trying to figure out what is wrong and how to correct it. While I, on the other hand, would just as soon hire someone to fix it for me — quickly (get to the goal ASAP).
What is the solution when two people, whether husband and wife or father and son have such different versions of reality? They will constantly be triggering a reaction from each other. How can you accept someone that you love and are aggravated by at the same time? The answer is a simple one. Read Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing or Freedom At Your Fingertips. Then use EFT and see what happens.
One day when I was irritated by something that my husband did (and had been doing for years) I took my own advice and tapped. As I tapped I realized that a few years ago he had surgery for a very serious condition. What if he had died and I was alone? If that had happened I would miss his quirks and his Process-oriented ways. They would dwindle in importance. Tapping helped put it in perspective.
Now when he acts like his own dear Process-oriented self I remind myself of that and also remind myself that he has to live with my Goal-oriented ways that drive him nuts. Once, in a fit of remorse about being Goal oriented I asked him how he put up with me controlling everything. He replied, “I just let you.” The man is a saint!
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