by gloria on March 11, 2010
When it’s time for the holidays or a family reunion do you cringe at the thought, but go anyway? Your mom will find fault with your hair, your job or the way you are bringing up your kids. Your dad might pick a fight with you or boast about how much money your brother makes while you are barely getting by. You know that you will have a terrible time and perhaps eat too much or drink to dull the pain.
When I ask clients to tell me who in their life has had the most negative effect on them that is still a problem, the majority replies either mom or dad. I have lost count of the number of people I have met that were beaten, sexually abused, abandoned, vilified, threatened and harmed in other ways. Yet, these same people are now adults well over the age of consent and still going back for more. Why?
Are you one of these people? As you were growing up you may have experienced some awful incidents when your parents continually acted unloving or downright terrifying and there was no one to protect you. Afterward you tried to rationalize their behavior. You made decisions about yourself and how to act so it wouldn’t happen again. Perhaps you decided that it was all your fault so you had better be good from now on. If a parent was dangerous you might have decided that you had to keep him happy so he wouldn’t get angry again and hurt you. You learned to put up with drunken or outrageous behavior and see it as normal. And even though you may have left home years ago you are still playing that role.
Because there is a place called the limbic system in our brain where the past and the present exist simultaneously, adults who are around the perpetrators of their misery often turn into frightened three year-olds at family functions. The grown up self watching Mom get drunk and mean turns into the three year-old afraid of getting hit so he just grins and stands for her insults feeling unloved and unlovable. He goes home feeling depressed and angry but is unable to turn down future invitations to get together even though he dreads them.
After nine very unhappy years of marriage to a man who was unreliable, critical, angry and addicted, I finally got a divorce and went on to find a new and longlasting loving relationship. As our children grew older they began to realize how wounded they had been by their father’s failure to keep his promises, his unloving attitude and his rages.
When my daughter reached adulthood she was still trying to come to terms with the unhappiness of her childhood. She thought that she was supposed to have a relationship with both her parents because we were her parents. The only problem was that every time she had dealings with her dad he let her down in some way, criticized her or became angry.
One day, as she was sharing the latest unpleasantness, I realized that society has created divorce to allow two adults who are incompatible to separate and go their own ways without guilt, but children of divorce don’t have that right. I told my daughter about my observation and suggested that she get a divorce from her dad. That is exactly what she did. She not only cut off all communication and asked people to not give him her phone number or address; she even changed her last name!
You are never too old to grow up and stop being at the mercy of cruel and dysfunctional parents. You really don’t need parents at your age, especially if you are independent and have your own family. Use EFT now to get a divorce and be free to find the love and acceptance you deserve elsewhere.
Here are some ideas to tap about.
Even though I feel guilty at the thought of divorcing my parents, I love and accept myself.
Even though I am supposed to love these unlovable people, and trying to love them is driving me crazy, I deserve to be free.
Even though it is very painful and uncomfortable being with them, I am supposed to love them and care for and about them and will hate myself if I don’t, I am tapping about that now.
Even thought when I was ____ years old I made a decision that I had to make them happy no matter the cost to my physical or mental health, I love and accept myself.
Even though when I was _____ years old, I decided that ______ and I am not allowed to change my mind, I am tapping about that now.
Even though they will feel hurt if I divorce them, I need to remember how much they hurt me and are unaware of all the damage they inflicted, I am loving myself now.
by gloria on February 17, 2010
Do you have a friend or relative who doesn’t listen to your good advice? Every week I speak with at least one person like you. Perhaps you are in despair because of the way your neighbor treats her children or know without a doubt that your brother shouldn’t move away or your best friend should change her hairstyle.
Do you pride yourself on your taste, your smarts and your experience? Often the advice you want to give the unfortunate person is quite sound. You have confidence in your wisdom so why don’t they? It is extremely frustrating!
Many years ago as I was starting out as a psychotherapist, I read a wonderful autobiography written by a well-known and respected psychologist. He recounted that when he first opened his practice people would come for a few sessions and never come back. He couldn’t figure out why that was happening since he was well trained and felt confident about his abilities. He went to his mentor, another therapist who had many years of experience, and asked for help.
After he described what was happening, his wise advisor told him that he was indeed a good therapist. The trouble was that he was “picking Green Fruit.” The older counselor explained that although many people are troubled and suffering from problems such as depression, anxiety, trauma, or addiction, they simply were not ready to do anything about it.
People like your friends or relatives are not stupid. They just aren’t ready to hear your suggestions. As I was preparing to write this piece I remembered a time that I was “Green Fruit.” After a very unhappy nine year marriage, with the help of psychotherapy plus group support, I told myself that I deserved a better relationship with a more stable man and finally got a divorce. Soon after I began to date again I started a long-term relationship with someone I thought was great, (even if he didn’t have a job). I was in love!
Each of my friends called me to ask what in the world I was doing. Couldn’t I see that this new man was just like my ex? No, I couldn’t see what I was doing, and I didn’t know that I couldn’t see it. I remember that I even made a list comparing the traits of both men to prove to my friends that they were wrong. The relationship lasted two years during which I became more and more disheartened. It wasn’t until the end that I saw what I was doing and made a decision to do something about my tendency to pick men that were “birds with broken wings.” I woke up, resolved the issues that stood in my way, and found a grownup love relationship that has lasted for over thirty years.
Since that time I have become a psychotherapist and find that occasionally I too still attempt to pick “Green Fruit.” Some of the techniques I use such as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or the Phoenix Effect provide amazingly fast and permanent outcomes, yet some potential clients still shy away from the thought of experiencing rapid relief from their unhappy states and fall by the wayside. They are wedded to their problem and are reluctant to change.
I unintentionally tried to “pick green fruit” with one of the first people who came for help after I had learned EFT. A woman I will call Zoe was in a state of extreme post-traumatic distress after being mugged at gunpoint. I was able to help her calm down significantly after our first session. However, she called to cancel her next meeting explaining that she had seen a segment on Oprah that dealt with Post Traumatic Syndrome in which the expert explained that getting over it would take a very long time. Somehow that made sense to her, and she decided that she needed to suffer more.
No amount of explaining or offering scientific proof convinced Zoe to return. People like Zoe resist healing because a hidden part of them is afraid that getting over their problem will change their identity in some way. Perhaps they tell themselves that they don’t deserve to get over their problem or be happier. Whatever the rationalization, nothing will convince them. They are going to hang on to their distress with all their strength.
Can you remember any time in your life when people tried to give you advice and you resented it? When? What was it about? Did you eventually find out that they were right? Were you as blind as I was? Perhaps the person you are so angry with for not listening to you is in the same state of mind. The only way to deal with it is by accepting that the person you care about is “green fruit” that may or may not ripen.
You may decide to stop giving advice and just stand by and watch what happens. If you are extremely upset, you can use an EFT variation I call “Talking Out Loud to Yourself.” Tap your karate chop spot on the outside edge of your hand and say this three times: “Even though I am furious with my friend because he/she won’t do what I want him/her to do about this situation, I am doing the best I can to love and accept myself and my friend.” As you tap each EFT acupressure point, talk out loud to that person explaining what you see that upsets you and what you want the other to do or stop doing.
Gently tap for three seconds on the Eyebrow point near the nose, the point on the outside edge of the eye socket, under the lower eyelid, under the nose, under the lower lip, under the collarbone, and on the side of the body four inches below the armpit. Keep going around and around speaking your mind until you feel your anger leave and new ideas and positive emotions take over.
You will find that this method is very helpful when you feel infuriated or rejected by others who seem hell-bent on doing the wrong thing that might ruin their lives. Just take a breath and remind your self that you no longer pick ”Green Fruit.”
