Posts tagged as:

self-honesty

EFT: Tap Along Or Trust Yourself

by gloria on April 25, 2011

I have noticed that many EFT practitioners are offering what I call Tap-alongs in which the teacher or therapist provides common negative beliefs or thoughts that go with the problem at hand. When you first learned to ride a two-wheeler you may have had training wheels on your bike to keep you from falling down until you got the hang of things. I think that Tap-alongs are like training wheels.

I wonder if you have had the same experience as I did just recently when I listened to an extremely exciting speaker on a teleclass who took the audience through a Tap-along to release negative beliefs. We tapped three rounds without stopping as she suggested at least fifteen different statements to repeat along with her. I related to only two of the statements and felt a sharp jolt as I said them, since they really resonated with me.
As I said these two statements I realized that I truly secretly believed these limits on myself. However, I had no reaction at all when I stated the other thirteen that were offered and felt quite bored saying them. I made note of the thoughts that I related to, and when the class was over I tapped on them separately. As I focused on each one, new ideas related to that negative belief surfaced and vanished. I kept this up until I felt a wonderful release and a sense of freedom and empowerment.

Each of us is a unique being, and no one else has experienced your life but you. If you were tapping along on the teleclass I described perhaps you would have identified with different beliefs since your age, lifestyle, background, fears, anxieties and relationships are so different from mine. That is why when I work with a client I start with that person’s words, not what I think they are thinking or believing.

I remember a new client named Amy who had a very sad childhood. Her father had died when she was an infant and her stepfather was quite cruel. After she described the misery of her early years I suggested that she begin by tapping, “Even though I didn’t get along with my stepfather because he was so mean …. “She immediately interrupted me and said, “I hated them all. If I had a gun I would shoot them dead!” I will never forget the raw emotion on her face.

Those feelings were shocking but they were true so that is where we started. She tapped using her own words saying, “Even though I hated them all and wanted to shoot them dead and still feel that way when I remember what happened, I am doing the best I can now.” New realizations that were true for her and her situation kept surfacing as she tapped and continued to use her own words. It took very little time for her to move from rage to compassion for her mother, herself and her other siblings.

It was easy for Amy to get the hang of tuning in to her emotions or thoughts, even those that were unkind or hateful. If you don’t start with complete honesty with yourself and your true thoughts or beliefs you won’t achieve success with EFT. I get calls and emails all the time from people who tell me that they don’t know what to say to get started. Of course you know what to say, it is just that you are censoring yourself because you may think that it isn’t nice to think these thoughts or feel these intense negative emotions. But it is human!

Since you will most likely be tapping in a private place, you can tell yourself the truth. If you think it makes you a bad or immoral person that is the place to start tapping. Tap on your belief that you are “not nice” or are terrible for not being more understanding of others. Tap until you know that you are human and that is how humans feel or react sometimes. As you tap you may get in touch with anger toward the people who instilled these beliefs in you that have led you to not appreciate yourself. Tapping your truth will allow you to give yourself permission to be an adult who can decide for yourself what to believe and how to live your life authentically.

You may not need the training wheels after all.

{ 1 comment }

Perfectionism: It’s All In the Eye of the Beholder

by Gloria on October 12, 2009

The other morning I got out of bed before my husband and, as I was brushing my teeth, I saw him get up and make the bed. Making the bed for my perfectionist husband means throwing the blankets willy-nilly back over the bed, period. What is wrong with this picture? Is that the way a perfectionist makes a bed?

I said, “Don’t bother. You know I am going to make the bed again the right way.” To which my loving spouse replied, “Of course, Madam Perfectionist.” How dare he call me a perfectionist! This from a man who took a year to complete making bookcases for the living room and got upset because they were 1/100 of an inch off.

I admit that I used to be a perfectionist and still have traces of it. I ask you, dear readers, what is perfectionistic about wanting to smooth the creases from the sheets, fluff the pillows and straighten the blankets so the wrinkles don’t show? It’s not as if I measure how many inches the comforter hangs off the floor. I don’t even demand hospital corners.

The trouble with perfectionism is that there are no concrete guidelines against which to measure bona fide perfectionism. Each purist stakes out an area to focus on. In that sector of life the need for perfection takes over, yet in other parts “good enough” is tolerated. Perfectionists tend to fall into different categories, but all share the burden of having unreasonably high expectations. Some tend to be detail oriented while others are uncompromising about rules. Another group’s behavior is influenced by their need to avoid mistakes. Most perfectionists worry about how they will look to others.

Although I don’t think I was expecting too much by wanting to have my husband make the bed the “right way,” the definition of “right” is what started our disagreement. People who are sticklers for doing things right are perfectionists if their standards are irrationally high. But who decides what is too high? There’s the rub.

My husband thought I was too demanding while I staunchly held to my belief that what I considered the right way to make a bed was reasonable. I am entitled to my preference for neatness. Which of us was right or were neither of us right? As the day went on I started to doubt myself. Was my request a sign that I am still a perfectionist? One of the hallmarks of perfectionists is their discomfort and frustration if things are not done the way they want. Yes, I felt frustrated because I didn’t want to go to sleep in a “used” bed that night. That would feel icky.

Continuing to look into myself with rigorous self-honesty, I realized that I might still fit into the category best described as obsessive about rules. I admit that I get a wonderful feeling of satisfaction putting things in order. Nothing beats using my label-making machine to create a load of files to store papers, articles and assorted detritus that wash up on my desk. I even have a small notebook where I keep track of all the books I reserve at the library, in alphabetical order by author. Spending time in my hobby closet with the boxes that house the beads I’ve gathered over the years to create necklaces gives me great pleasure. I get a thrill looking at the boxes of red, blue, green, black, white, turquoise, and glass bits all in their proper containers.

Wait a minute! The reason I do not accept the label of perfectionist is that I am not driven by the fear of what others will think since most of my orderliness is never seen by anyone but me. A place for everything and everything in its place seems reasonable to me. At my age it is mandatory since I frequently put things down and can’t remember where I put them. Perhaps my love of order is because I have Virgo as the Rising Sign in my astrological chart. I have to go now because we’ve just put in new kitchen cabinets, and I have to make sure everything goes in the right place.

{ 0 comments }