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therapists

A Guide For Choosing The Right Psychotherapist for You

by admin on May 19, 2009

Some people think that going to a therapist is like going to a car mechanic: they expect the therapist to diagnose a specific problem and fix it just as the mechanic puts in new brake pads or readjusts the carburetor. These clients expect something to happen to them. That is not the case. Don’t expect the other person to have all the answers. Therapists don’t come with crystal balls. You have the answers. They are already within you. The psychotherapist helps you discover those answers as you examine your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I think of therapy as education. In therapy you may learn new skills to help you communicate better, decrease difficulties in your life and increase benefits.

Don’t be afraid to shop around for a good match between you and your therapist. No matter how well trained the therapist is, if you are not at ease with her or willing to talk about personal problems or feelings, you will be wasting your money. Trust your intuition.

 When my daughter was a teenager I was a single parent in a quandary about how to deal with her behavior. I wasn’t a therapist at that time, and our small family was in turmoil. I found a psychologist who was well known and highly credentialed. After two family counseling sessions with him I cringed at the thought of going back, but I told myself that he knew what he was doing since he was so well known. Fortunately, my daughter trusted her intuition and absolutely refused to go back under any circumstances. It turned out that none of us liked him or felt comfortable with him. We found someone else that we liked and trusted and got better results. 

About a year later I bumped into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a long time. She looked happy, and excitedly reported that she had the most wonderful therapist. He had helped her change her life. When I asked who it was, she gave me the name of the man my family had hated. The lesson here is not that someone you don’t like isn’t a good therapist, it’s that someone you don’t feel comfortable with is not the right person for you. Ask your insurance company for more than one referral just in case, so you can choose wisely. 

If you have a friend or family member who raves about their therapist, take the recommendation seriously only if your friends or family have shown significant and visible changes in behavior and attitudes during their therapy. 

Once doctors have finished their basic training they can continue with specialty trainings to become surgeons, obstetricians, cardiologists, and more. This is not the case with psychotherapists. Most psychologists, marriage and family therapists and social workers get basic training plus the equivalent of an internship before they take their license exam. Those who are interested in specific areas like addiction, bi-polar disorder, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders etc. must get additional training on their own. 

When you meet with a new therapist, it is OK to ask direct questions about his background. Ask what qualifies him to be a specialist in the problem you want help with. When you go to a medical specialist you want to see a doctor who has seen hundreds of cases or be operated on by a surgeon who has done the procedure you are having hundreds of times. It is the same with mental health professionals. 

Beware of a therapist who acts like a judgmental parent. My client Mary eloped with someone she had dated only twice, just before her thirty-fifth birthday. The marriage immediately fell apart. As Mary told me about this awful experience, she reported that when she was in her twenties and went for therapy following a romantic breakup, her psychiatrist said, “If you aren’t married before you are 35 you never will be!” She took his word as the word of God and unconsciously jumped into the disastrous marriage before it was too late. 

The most critical factor in successful therapy is the development of a positive, trusting and understanding relationship with your therapist. Don’t settle for less.

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How to Heal the Emotional Scars of Scary Moments

by admin on March 1, 2008

The first therapist I ever saw was a very kind and wise woman. One day, in a moment when I was feeling angry with myself and she was trying to be supportive she said something that I have always remembered. She told me that people are like everyday china. They have some chips and cracks. That certainly is true. We can’t get through life without collecting scars of different kinds. Some are physical and some psychological.

Although it looks as if you have gotten over the time you fell off your bike and broke your arm, had your tonsils removed when you were a child or endured a recent root canal, these kinds of experiences may have left you with unhealed emotional wounds. Another kind of wound that many of us suffer is called Diagnosis Trauma. That happens the moment the doctor tells you what is wrong with you. Inwardly you may flinch or your head may spin, but you usually don’t show it outwardly. We tend to suppress the shock and get on with our lives. We are all carrying memories of these moments. As they build up, they create stress and anxiety.

I can still remember the long, gray envelope that came in the mail a number of years ago, after I had a pap test.  When I opened it there was a letter informing me that my test result was positive. The first thing that came to my mind was that this was a death sentence! I know that this sounds like an exaggeration, but that is how the human brain works. I was very scared and didn’t know what to do. When I went back to the doctor for a new examination, I discovered that it was merely an infection that was easily treated.

Fortunately, I was able to tell my doctor how upset I was at receiving the diagnosis by mail. I was lucky that he was a caring and compassionate person. He understood my reaction to the cold and impersonal way the news was sent and changed his policy. Thereafter, he always told the patient in person if there was a problem diagnosis.

But not all health practitioners act that way. A woman in one of my classes had a very rare form of cancer. She was expected to die very quickly and went to many specialists trying to prolong her life. One day she saw one of the most famous doctors in that field She recalled that as he talked to her he was doodling on a pad. She saw that he was drawing an abdomen. There was no head, face, arms or legs, just a stomach. She was hurt and furious when she realized that to him she was just a body part. “I was so mad at him that I decided that I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of dying. I was going to get back at him by staying alive.” And that is just what she did.

As you read this, perhaps you are remembering a time when you received a scary diagnosis or were told that you needed a frightening test like an MRI or other invasive procedure. Right this minute you can stop and treat yourself with a simple method called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), to release any fear or stress that are still lingering in your body or you mind.

Start by calling the incident to mind. Then rate your negative reaction on a scale of 0-10 with 10 being a very strong emotion. Gently tap on the outside edge of either hand and say, “Even though I am still carrying the trauma of that episode, I am letting go of all that fear and anxiety.” Then, still feeling the upset, use your index and middle finger to gently touch or tap for about 3 seconds on your eyebrow where the hair starts to grow above the nose, next on the bony ridge on the outside of the eye socket, then right under the lower lid of the eye, under the nose, under the lower lip, directly under the collarbone, and on the side of your body about 4 inches below the armpit. Watch how the negative charge dissipates.

 Keep repeating this procedure until you feel comfortable and peaceful. Then try to remember the original event. If there is still a negative emotion, tap some more. In this way you are healing the past and releasing positive energy into your system. You will feel a great deal better as you free yourself from the past.

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