Grown Up Love

Chapter 1: I Had To Write This Book

Grownup Love I had to write this book for a number of reasons. The first reason is because I am a veteran Licensed Marriage Family Therapist with over thirty years of experience. I have successfully counseled numerous couples whose marriage was in trouble as well as clients who were trying to figure out why they had no love relationships or were in an unhappy relationship and couldn’t or wouldn’t let it go. Still others were distressed by the realization that they kept choosing the same kind of unsuitable partner over and over again.

The second reason I am writing this book is that not only have I coached people about finding the right relationship, I have also lived most of the same experiences as my clients and know what it feels like from the inside out. I have been widowed, divorced, been attracted to the same type of dysfunctional partners more than once, and have also been in a harmonious marriage for over thirty years. Therefore, I know what it is like to be miserable in love and what it takes to find true and lasting love.

A long time ago I attended a talk given by a relationship specialist who said something that I have never forgotten. He said that the goal for people who want a successful relationship is to achieve Grownup Love. He said: The “having it all” relationship is a relationship between two grownups who have done their own work, and in whom the head, the heart and the genitals are lined up.

What does that mean? What kind of work do you have to do in order to attract your perfect love and live happily ever after? The work I propose will take you on a journey of self-exploration and self-transformation. I will direct you in taking an inventory of your life, exploring what lessons you can learn from all your romantic relationships both positive and negative, your beliefs about love and about yourself as a lovable person, and awareness of common patterns that you repeat although they may be painful.

Knowing your past and understanding what you did and how you felt is not enough to guarantee your future success in love. How you react to a partner and what you believe about the world and yourself originates in a part of the brain called the limbic system. The limbic system has no words, only emotions. Past events, both happy and unhappy are stored in the limbic system and get triggered by present day happenings. The past may suddenly take over and you don’t even know it. Decisions you made long ago about being lovable, attractive, and intelligent, as well as decisions you made about relationships will trigger an instant reaction that may be untrue or harmful to you but you don’t realize it. All of this leads to the “over-and-overs” in your love life and the feeling of despair that anything can change.

Today we know that the brain is changeable and that these old patterns in the brain can be altered. I will teach you a self-help technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) that can affect the chemistry of the brain and bring about amazing transformation. You can use EFT to heal the past and eliminate negative beliefs that block you from attracting the right mate for you. If you are already in a relationship you will be able to change your reactions to your partner as you see yourself in a new and more positive way. EFT works rapidly and is simple to learn.

Even when you find lasting love, you will discover that the best relationship has its ups and downs. Therefore, you will also learn how to use The Phoenix Effect Process (PEP), another simple imagery method, to clear out the wreckage of your life and eliminate past issues and beliefs that trigger you to keep reacting negatively to partners or lovers. Happy couples can use PEP to keep the road smooth whenever they hit a bump in an existing compatible relationship.

As you read on I will ask you what you think love is, where you learned about love, and who were your models of romantic figures. I will explain why you were attracted to the partners you have chosen, and why you remain in misery. I will offer suggestions for exploring your life and give you tools for eliminating negative patterns. I will share a number of examples based on people I have counseled and from my own path that you may identify with in hopes that these stories will give you courage to achieve your love goals and enjoy the “having it all” love relationship.

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