A Substance Called Food
How to Understand, Control and Recover from Addictive Eating
I HAD TO WRITE THIS BOOK
I have never met a woman who liked her body. Every woman I have ever known will go on at great length about her inadequacies: fat thighs, thick ankles, too small or too large a bust, small eyes, long chin, or fat earlobes. Women who are a size 20 dream of being a size 12; yet those who are a size 12 yearn to be a 2. No one seems to be satisfied, and this is the nature of the game. To chase the carrot of "someday I'll be perfect and then my dreams will come true" is what I call the weighting game.
As a psychotherapist and teacher I have dealt with thousands of women (anorectics, bulimics, and compulsive overeaters) who believe that if they change their appearance-get thinner-all their problems will be solved. They blame their unhappy relationships or lack of relationships on the premise that they are not slim enough to attract the right man or get the right job. Looking good equates with having a good life. It just isn't so!
Recently, I tried to remember a time in my life when I felt totally OK. When was it that I lived every day as it came, without feeling inadequate or worried about my future? When did my self-consciousness start? For me, it began at age twelve. Up until that time I had a body. After that I was my body. From then on, I was never at ease in the world. I had a handicap-my body-a body that would never be tall enough, slim enough, or flat-chested enough. Other women I know recall feeling unhappy about their bodies as young as three or four years of age.
Along with millions of other women, I have spent my life buying books and magazines that tell me how to improve. I have been obsessed with food, gone to doctors, clubs, self-help classes. All this energy was focused on hiding the not-OK feelings. After all these years, the magazines are still running the same articles, the books are rehashing the same ideas, and there are even more weight control businesses than ever before. Women are feeling more pressured and more frenzied in their efforts to achieve perfection that will lead to love and all the "happily ever after" dreams they cling to.
Five hundred million dollars are spent annually on diet products in the United States. We as a nation are obsessed with thinness. Recent studies have shown that 60 percent of girls aged ten to thirteen have dieted at least once. The emphasis on weight has created a monstrous situation with the result that one in one hundred teenagers suffers from anorexia nervosa; and bulimia is epidemic. After a twenty-year apprenticeship of going on diets, trying shots, pills, and fads, I discovered Overeaters Anonymous. I was desperate. It was a relief to hear that I had a disease and couldn't help myself. But I was told that I could arrest my disease one day at a time by following a twelve-step program. I decided that I had nothing to lose but my compulsion, so I stayed for eight years.
During those eight years I did not have one cookie, one scoop of ice cream, or one slice of cake!! I quit sweets cold turkey and adhered to the rigid low-carbohydrate eating plan that was given to me when I joined. Those years were full of pain and full of joy. By giving up my sugar "fix," I had nothing to turn to in order to put aside the stresses and anxieties of my life. I had to face my feelings for the first time and acknowledge my problems. I had to live life without a crutch of food-and it hurt.
To survive this ordeal, I had to learn how to cope with my problems and to change or resolve the issues that were most difficult to live with. In other words, I had to become an adult. The twelve steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program adopted by OA taught me skills and problemsolving techniques. The only way to stay away from compulsive overeating was to practice the principles of this new program for living. It was like throwing a child who doesn't swim into the water. You either learn fast or sink.
Overeaters Anonymous is different from all other weight clubs in that it is more than a diet. The group borrowed the Alcoholics Anonymous program for recovery that maintains that compulsive eating is a threefold problem: physical, emotional, and spiritual. In all the years I attended OA, I saw many miraculous changes. They occurred when the individual did more than diet-when he or she lived the program for change.
Food abusers, like alcoholics, can be either "dry" or "sober." Being "dry" means that you are on a diet; you are imposing a temporary program for eating that will eliminate emotional binges as long as you stay "good." Being "dry" means that you are behaving a different way with food but are not doing anything to understand how your feelings or your life stresses contribute to compulsive overeating habits.
Sobriety is different. Being "sober" is a state of physical and emotional wellness. Sober people have given up binging and have learned or are learning to understand what issues in their lives cause them to eat (or drink). They then work to change these attitudes and unhappy situations.
One of the positive aspects of belonging to any weight club or support group is that you can get approval and love right now. You don't have to get thin or stay thin to be successful as a human being. After eight years in OA, I realized that I accepted all the members I met whether they were fat or thin. They didn't have to lose weight to please me. They were already lovable.
I saw that an important stumbling block for OA members was the belief that their problem was insoluble. As long as you believe that you are a victim of compulsive overeating, you are not in charge of your life. At any moment, the ax may fall and you go on a binge, not knowing why or how to stop.
After eight years in OA, I no longer believed I was powerless over food. I knew damned well I had the power, but I didn't know how to use it consistently. I decided to find another solution. I was tired of living my life being doomed to have an eating problem forever. I longed to be "normal."
After twenty years of diets and eight years of total abstinence from certain high-calorie foods, I was terrified at the thought that I could eat just one portion and stop. The belief that I was an all-or-nothing person who had no control over certain foods had been with me for a long time. I was doubtful that I, a college graduate with a master's degree, could ever be free of my obsession with food.
Looking back at those years when going without ice cream and dessert was no struggle, I tried to find out how I was able to maintain the restricted food intake so easily. I decided that during my years of participation in OA, all my needs were met. I received the love, approval, and help from my fellow members that I hadn't received in my life up until then but had yearned for. I had friends on call day and night. I didn't need food to take the place of loving feelings because I was getting the "real thing."
I discovered that to eliminate compulsive overeating, the problem eater must live a life of fulfillment. That means finding out which of her needs aren't being met and either getting them met or changing the situation and finding a better life. It means finding a specific lifestyle of consciousness, courage, and willingness to go forward, no matter what is necessary. The food addict must exchange martyrdom, victimhood, and pain for autonomy and power. I decided to share my experience with others, and I began by teaching classes based on the idea that self-esteem was the key to creating a better life. If a person felt good about herself and her life was happier, she would be more motivated to diet and be less inclined to eat because of stressful experiences.
Then I came across a concept that seemed to explain why so many diets had failed for so many people. Elizabeth Keyes in her book How to Wm the Losing Fight put forth an idea called the "art of gentle eating." It was a precursor to behavior modification and was designed to help the binge eater learn to stop being afraid of food, stop depriving herself of favorite foods, and become responsible for eating what she wanted and stopping when satisfied. Along with this eating program was a set of ideas and meditations to increase self-acceptance and raise self-esteem.
Elizabeth Keyes's ideas encouraged me to teach people how to be free of the bondage of food. After all, the problem is not in the food but in the overeater. The more the food abuser blames food, the more she relinquishes her power to change her life. Although this program was exciting and offered a life free of dieting, I was amazed at how resistant people were to incorporate these concepts into their lives. How wonderful it would be to give up dieting forever! Why wasn't it easy to do?
Women who suffer from eating disorders are dedicated to the idea that the goal is to have a perfect body as soon as possible. The body must be pummeled, prodded, punished, and denied to give it the correct appearance. To seek freedom from compulsion is too long a process for most people. It takes hard work; you must look into yourself, and you must change. Very few people want to do that. They prefer the fantasy of a temporary diet that promises they will live happily ever after.
The non diet approach was very popular and attracted many people. My students lost weight and seemed to enjoy the process. I evolved a system called "integral behavior modification" that went beyond the "art of gentle eating." I became aware of the ways compulsive eaters stopped themselves from reaching their goal. I called the point at which a dieter stops working and starts to regain her weight the "resistance point." I knew all the rationalizations for eating and cheating. Now I wanted to understand why so many women had to sabotage themselves at the "resistance point."
Some people stopped themselves halfway to their goal; others ran out of steam five pounds from success. Many binge eaters have a "magic number," a weight they never seem to go below. Each time they reach the "magic number," the diet goes out the window and they return to compulsive overeating and regain all the pounds they have lost. One day it dawned on me that the magic number symbolized the demarcation line between maintaining the status quo and the need for dramatic change in a person's life. The "magic number" is a fantasy. The dieter believes that something major will have to change in her life if she achieves her goal. That something may be overcoming fears of intimacy with men, talking back to an authority figure, quitting a job, disagreeing with a significant other, or getting a divorce. When you go below the "magic number," you have permission to be or do what you have wished but feared to do. Often the fear wins out, and the binger retreats to a safer place. The "resistance point" is the place at which fear surfaces.
Many dieters work hard to lose weight but know ahead of time at what weight they will run into trouble. I remember a young woman who had a paralyzing fear that something terrible might happen to her father. She feared that if she lost weight, she would become attractive to men and have to marry. Then she would have to leave home and would be unavailable if her father got sick or had an accident.
Another overweight woman kept herself from achieving her goal because she believed that she would have to confront her husband and ask for improvement in their relationship. She felt inadequate as an overweight person and thought she couldn't get anyone better. As long as she was too heavy, it was fine for her to settle for less. But if she looked prettier, she would have the right to a more satisfying marriage. If she demanded more, her husband might leave. She was more afraid of being alone than she was brave, so she stayed fat to avoid putting her self-worth to the test.
My private practice as a psychotherapist grew as I helped women work to learn what fat symbolized in their lives. Fat was not the problem, but it was a good cover-up for the real issues of fear of loss of love, relationship problems, guilt, poor self-concept, and non-assertiveness. And I found that although most overeaters wanted desperately to overcome the food compulsion, they really didn't want to change. The idea of things being different, of having to learn to ask for what they wanted, of having to go to work and support themselves, of moving away from the dependence on parents or spouse was too frightening for many.
In 1978 I wrote How to Stop Playing the Weighting Game, a workbook designed to help dieters and compulsive overeaters stop dieting and be free of their obsession with food. By doing the mental exercises and writing assignments in the book, the individual could learn to understand her beliefs about food, to recognize how and why she sabotaged attempts to lose weight or control overeating, and to practice techniques for behavioral change.
I wasn't the only one working to make sense of the dynamics of overeating and starvation in women. Therapist Susie Orbach in Fat Is a Feminist Issue, Kim Chernin in Obsession: Reflections on the Tyranny of Slenderness, and sociologist Jeanette Kupfermann in The MsTaken Body were professionals who wrote about the underlying issues of eating disorders. They pointed out that food and fat are not the primary problem. For some people, overeating is a problem-solving device. Diet removes fat but doesn't deal with the roots of the problem.
Throughout the years, many extremely thin women who said that they wanted to lose weight or learn to control their eating habits have joined my groups and classes. Although they were thin, they continued to talk about how inadequate they felt. The women who had fifty pounds to lose looked at the slim overeaters with amazement. These small women seemed to have achieved all that the obese women wanted, and yet they continued to speak of their misery. The fat women couldn't understand that happiness is an inside job. The thin women often felt misunderstood and ashamed that they looked thin, so frequently they dropped out.
Although I was teaching classes that were supposed to help people lose weight, I was really teaching classes in self-acceptance and consciousness-raising. My work has been a joy to me because I meet thousands of intelligent, creative, sensitive, responsive, lovable people ... who don't know that is the truth about themselves. My job is to know that truth and to realize that eating disorders are not diseases in the physical sense. They are problem behaviors caused by false beliefs masquerading as truth.
Each person who comes to me has locked herself away in a prison of doubt, fear, and low self-worth. It is a prison without a lock on the door, but she doesn't realize that. She is locked in because she doesn't see any way out of the situations that she created for herself. My job is to help those suffering from eating problems "get out of jail."
Because compulsive eaters are so self-critical, the most important aspect of my work has been to create an attitude of change through love-not through punishment. If a person suffers from allergies, she is not considered a bad person for reacting to substances that are toxic to her body. An overeater is also reacting to toxic substances toxic ideas and toxic situations. Her reaction to a poisonous emotional environment is to break out in a binge. My challenge is to get food abusers to see themselves in a new light so they can begin allowing themselves room for gradual change. Human development is two steps forward and one step back. We all learn from our mistakes. Food abusers want to be perfect immediately with no setbacks or slips. This is usually impossible to achieve. Baby steps are easier to handle.
Here is one way of looking at the progression from binge eater to healthy eater. I think that overcoming binge eating can be done in four developmental steps:
- After the binge, you become aware of what triggered that binge.
- In the midst of the binge, you become aware of the cause of the binge, but you keep eating.
- Before you reach for the food, you are aware of why you are eating, but you go ahead and binge.
- Before you reach for the food, you become aware of why you are eating, and you do something about the problem without eating.
The goal is consciousness. As long as you are on one of the four steps, you are becoming conscious of the dynamics of your behavior and are working toward a new alternative. When you finally reach step four, you may find that occasionally you revert to step one. That is human.
Another important premise in my work is the elimination of ideas like good and bad from the value system of my clients. As long as there is judgment, change is difficult to achieve. Bad simply means that you were anxious or stressed and did not have the resources to resolve the situation to your best advantage. Good means that you were conscious and making choices. One of my mottos is:
"There is no good and no bad. There is only what you do and what you learn from that."
As long as the person suffering from an eating disorder hates her problem and hates herself for having it, she must punish herself. If she thinks of the eating disorder as an opportunity for growth, she will be able to learn how to deal with the world in such a way as to get the very best. I recently met a young woman who was recovering from anorexia nervosa. She told me that after many years of medical and psychological therapy, she had come to see that anorexia nervosa was a blessing in disguise. If she hadn't experienced this overwhelming problem, she would never have confronted her angers and fears about her family and her future. Recovering from anorexia meant that she had to learn to love herself and plan a happy and fulfilling life.
Eating disorders result when a minor difficulty is not handled correctly and continues until it becomes a problem. Every adolescent wrestles with the agonies of peer relationships, dating relationships, pressures at school, and family stresses that arise when he or she is starting to separate from the family and become a young adult. When the difficulty is mishandled so that the outcome is not a constructive solution, or when the unhealthy solution is applied over and over in the hopes that it will eventually work, the original difficulty becomes a serious problem. This is what happens with binge eating and with binge/ purge behavior.
In the case of binge eating, a young woman may feel unhappy because she is dateless on Saturday night or doesn't feel accepted by peers. Her temporary solution may be to eat to soothe her unhappy feelings and to give herself a "feel good" to make up for the friendship she feels deprived of. At first, the food does seem to remove the misery. But, if each time this person feels left out she turns to food for comfort, she will soon find that her binges become obsessive. The binge takes over, and in addition to overcoming her relationship problems she has a new problem: compulsive overeating. The same is true of purging. As time goes on, the purger may find herself unable to stop the habit. Bulimia is the result.
I work to get the individual with an eating compulsion to risk giving up her old, ineffective solution to problem solving (abusing food) and learn a new approach. This book is the outgrowth of that work-devising strategies to help binge eaters find new ways to overcome their compulsive behaviors and find methods to face life and cope on a daily basis.
Twenty years ago, I was primarily concerned with the dynamics of dieting. During the last ten years, I have been treating many "thin fat" women, anorectics, and bulimics. These women have given up their autonomy over their bodies. They think they must diet because they tell themselves either they are too fat or that they are out of control with food and will become fat. To achieve a perfect body as portrayed by the media today, they starve themselves. Starvation leads to extreme hunger, which leads to uncontrolled eating. This cycle becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and reinforces their fears and self-doubt about being acceptable and beautiful.
Working with the issues of women and their roles in a changing society has led me to offer classes and workshops in assertiveness training and new ways to recognize and deal with anger. As long as women choose to remain victims and believe that happiness comes from others, there will be eating disorders.
This book speaks mainly of women and their problems (and the majority of my clients are female), but there are an enormous number of males who are also compulsive overeaters. (A much small number of men are anorectic and bulimic.)
After teaching and counseling thousands of people who are obsessed with food, I have come to the conclusion that food abuse is a widespread social and cultural problem which we usually learn in the bosom of the family. Food is easily available in this land of abundance. You will not be arrested for being drunk on food. It is not illegal to overeat. It is not as harmful as alcohol or drugs, although food abuse can lead to death when purging is practiced.
I had to write this book because I am sick and tired of reading about diets. Every month new books and magazine articles are written and sold that tell the individual how to lose weight. They reinforce how important it is to look good on the outside. I am tired of seeing beautiful young preteens and teenagers who tell me they are not good looking enough to have a boyfriend or wear a bathing suit. They are curtailing their happiness and a chance for a fulfilling life even before it gets started.
I had to write this book to tell of the pain and suffering that comes from the irrational belief that how you look is more important than who you are. It is time we saw compulsive overeating as a universal sign of anxiety and stress that is not dealt with in a sane and productive way.
I had to write this book to encourage all persons with eating disorders to begin to see that they are not crazy and horrible people but wonderful people who need to learn new skills to have a life of joy.
People demand magic, a quick cure. There is no quick cure for eating disorders. A binger may be able to eliminate the symptom in a week or a month, but to achieve permanent freedom from addictive eating, she must be ready to spend a lifetime being self-aware and committed to face each situation that comes along and deal with it in a new way-without food. Once you have given up addictive eating, you must learn to live with your eyes open. Give up denying your negative feelings. Begin to ask for what you want. Value yourself so that you really believe that less than the best is unthinkable for you. It is a difficult job, but it is extremely rewarding. The results are happiness and a sense of mastery over your life.
YOU DESERVE THE VERY BEST!
